Simon's Nemesis of the Day

Simon likes to jump at the birds that eat the old bread we put out. They scatter by the time his head hits the sliding door. Apparently opossums aren't as skittish.

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• 06:14 via dieter... The Elusive ManJackalope tinyurl.com/d3qnu5 #

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• 18:08 Tried to reserve something with a credit card today. They don't take AmEx; my MC just got closed for possible fraud; my 2 VISAs expired! #

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A box full of me

Matt sent this photo to me today. He found it on his hard drive, and none of us remember who made this or why.

I'm not sure even what it means. Is it insinuating that I'm a cat? Is there some probability that I don't exist if nobody's sensing me? Is it some sort of insult? And what REALLY bothers me is that the image editing quality is so bad that I have a sneaking suspicion that I'M the one who created it. Anybody else have an idea what the point of this is?

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• 19:04 WTF? Holiday Inn on the Lane as Student Housing? tinyurl.com/b8dxtr #

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Secret City

One of my favorite shows as a kid was Secret City, by Mark Kistler. Every episode, this guy in a "futuristic" outfit with a powerful mustache would teach drawing techniques and draw a bit of the Secret City. I'm going to have to watch the series of (you)tubes to remember a bit more about this show.



I used to draw a lot when I was younger, mostly prodded and influenced by obsessively drawing Paul. He went on to make use of that obsession. My heavy use of computers has atrophied what hand drawing skills I had, which is sad... although I did teach drafting for a time in college. I think this Secret City guy embedded in me a great respect for impressive facial hair, though.

Glue Up One's Nasal Passages

One of my friends works as a Customer Response Analyst at a certain glue company. This job occasionally involves handling customer complaints and problems. I noticed today that his work email address was included in a mass email that I received. You can guess what followed:

Dear (Insert Glue Mascot Here),

I have a problem with your fast-drying [Company Redacted]'s Wood Glue. When I shove the whole bottle up my nose and squeeze, it all just oozes out the other nostril instead of staying in my nasal cavities to harden. I think this is a problem with the glue. Please fix it, or I will be forced to use a competing product on my nasal passages.

His Response:
Dear Miss,

Thank you for contacting us.

We believe your problem is that you are not buying enough glue. You should take two bottles and squeeze one into each nostril at the same time. For best results, squeeze until you feel the glue touch your brain. We hope you find this information helpful and look forward to serving you as a satisfied customer in the future.

Sincerely,

(Insert Name Here)
Consumer Response Analyst

My Response:

Thank you for the promptness of your reply.  I have tried your advice, and have, unfortunately, run into some problems.  When shoving a bottle into each nostril, the glue no longer runs out my nostrils.  However, [Company Redacted]'s Wood Glue now seems to be leaking from my ears, and there seems to be an adverse reaction resulting from the pressure of the glue against my eyeballs.  My vision is slightly clouded, and I appear to be hallucinating.  I see hippies everywhere trying to bogart my stash of  [Company Redacted]'s Wood Glue.

I believe this clearly demonstrates there is a defect in your product.  I again await your advice.

His next suggestion:

Dearest Glue Patron,

If the glue is coming out of your ears, that is how you know it's working.  Blurry vision is a common effect associated with the use of the product as you described.  This can be resolved by simply gouging out your eyes with a grapefruit spoon.  Ta da!  No more blurry vision.  Be sure not to use a soup spoon because the effects are not knows.  The hippies you see are not hallucinations.  They are as real as the voices in your head.  A quick squirt of glue up each of their nostrils should take care of that problem.  We thank you for thinking of [Company Redacted]'s wish you the best luck for all your future endeavors.

Regards,

(Insert Name Here)
Consumer Response Analyst

I should write a thank you letter.

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• 20:33 I'm not sure I understand all this Obama merchandise: tinyurl.com/989j56 #

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• 20:17 Mark off another creature in my Carnivore Tour: Swordfish. (It tastes like fish.) #

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• 07:37 The Browns hired a Canadian Offensive Coordinator. I hope he knows they aren't allowed 12 players, and WR's can't run forward at the snap #

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• 10:57 Bacon Explosion... WOW tinyurl.com/8oq2a2 #

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• 21:23 Simon is getting a little sick of pills being forced down his throat. If I even look at him in the evening, he goes and hides out of reach. #

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• 12:53 I managed to button my butt to a chair today. No, I'm not sure how it happened. #
• 14:55 I accidentally called a woman at work "chattel".... when I really meant to call her a serf... #
• 07:38 Someone has been putting a Pinocchio lunchbox in the work fridge. I check for a matching thermos and an oatmeal creme pie. #

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• 22:50 i'm not sure if fox's college football coverage is the worst thing on earth, or if their repeating commercials are. #

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• 18:59 I can't believe I just watched Malibu's Most Wanted. I can't believe I laughed. #
• 07:18 I found some old fortune cookie fortunes in my desk today: "Special touches have been planned with you in mind." #
• 07:18 "You are the guiding star of his existence" #
• 07:18 "About time I got out of that cookie." #

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• 11:02 Dean Kamen talks waaaay too much.... #

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• 19:10 Wow, Penn State is making OSU's game against USC not look so bad.... which is weird, because PSU's lines are far better than OSU's were. #

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